We Need Oxygen Therapy…for Health Reasons

I’m not sure people understand: we NEED all of this oxygen. It’s very important for our continued well-being. For as you see, every member of the esteemed Taylor-Fitzroy-Michaelis family is born with a fault, probably the only one we have. It’s like an acute form of asthma, but quite different, more chronic. Previously we were frail, if strong in mind, hence why we have been allowed to amass our great fortune. But now that oxygen therapy has come into our lives, we are able to live more fully than we have done in the past.

I just thought I would clear that up. The reason we spend so much time in our oxygen chambers is to so with our health, and not, as the rumours so disgustingly state, because we are partially dark beings of the night. Dark beings of the night have no need for oxygen, you fools. Dark beings of the night do not provide their employees with free private healthcare, in order to allay their suspicions!

In any case, the oxygen therapy does the job quite well. I haven’t felt quite so invigorated in many years; feels like I could dance all night after playing lacrosse well into the day. I told Harold that we should be investing in oxygen therapy, since we run out of energy so quickly. Honestly, I think that’s the reason we have to hire so many staff, definitely. They just get weary of catering to our lack of energy, and our habit of being unreachable at the strangest times while we conduct our business. And Harold said that Melbourne’s hyperbaric treatments just weren’t quite up to scratch for our needs. But I think he’s certainly been won over. We have them in our private hospital, and they are all extremely necessary, and for the record, they are definitely for oxygen and nothing else. Our health, you see. Our health is very…unhealthy. So sad. Pity us, despite our great riches and superiority.

Posted in Health